You're Doing It Wrong:
YYZ
Today's topic will be: The Twilight Series
Smart people usually start running away at this point.
(Look at that apple. Being so..APPLE-Y)
Let's start this off: I do not like this series. If you like it, okay, but I don't. Don't try to “convince” me it's good; you can shove that where the sun ain't shining. I can't be convinced it's good. Why? A lot of reasons, so lets start.
Twilight. Ahh, vampires and maidens and affairs and forbidden fruits and werewolves. Oh my. Let's address my first and foremost problem with this series, shall we?
THE LEADING CHARACTERS
Aaah! Look! It's the faux Adam and Eve!
The characters are weak, they aren't very easy to relate to at all, and are very hard to like to me. For example, Isabella Maria “Bella” Swan. She's pretty, delicate, self esteem issues, smart ─ what isn't she? Is the question, ladies and gentlemen. She, and I am not kidding here, is the least lovable person.
She is vain, later in the series when they have turned her into a vampire. She seems to become more VAIN. And not to mention, dear God, her mind. She HAS no mind. She lets everyone makes the choices for her. She's a CHILD. Oh, riding on Eddie's back and sitting on his lap, what shows of maturity! Of course, you can say she's in “love”. What “love” are you talking about? She can act like that when they're just starting their relationship, and it may be CUTE to some of you guys, but it's not to the adult readers.
Not to mention, that girl has no mind of her own, and has a questionable set of goals for her life. To her, her life is a Disney cartoon. The prince charming will rescue her and then they have a happily ever after with various children, blag blag, blah. We've all seen it in this story. Edward saving her constantly. Edward turning her into a vampire. Edward impregnating her. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, you are reading a fairytale.
No, not this one.
She's a beast, not to mention. The books make it as if her life were some kind of opera, that she's like, in depression. But her life's sweet fluffy cotton candy straight from the unicorn. She's got two guys to choose between ─ OOOH NOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. SMeyer makes it look like she's going to DIE or something if she doesn't choose one of them, and by the way, has that lady ever heard of "If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return they will always be yours. And if they don't, they never were."? Seriously. I can see Eddie TRYING to let her go, but then Bella's got her claws on that guy once she has him.
She's a beast, not to mention. The books make it as if her life were some kind of opera, that she's like, in depression. But her life's sweet fluffy cotton candy straight from the unicorn. She's got two guys to choose between ─ OOOH NOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. SMeyer makes it look like she's going to DIE or something if she doesn't choose one of them, and by the way, has that lady ever heard of "If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return they will always be yours. And if they don't, they never were."? Seriously. I can see Eddie TRYING to let her go, but then Bella's got her claws on that guy once she has him.
And then there's Edward. The handsome, cold as ice, lovable as f**k, I-Don't-love-You-But-I-Do,Edward. What can I say about this guy? He leaves, he comes back. He leaves, he comes back. He's either leaving and having issues with himself constantly, like a teenaged girl without make up or protecting Bella. He's doting the girl like a friggin' father. In fact, isn't it pedophilia?! Now, I'm not saying he's bad entirely (sparkling vampires aside), but he isn't a GOOD CHARACTER. He's obviously not trying to help Bella grow up, to have her make better choices or get better goals. He also isn't breaking her little girl dreams. He also needs to learn how to say No to that woman, seriously ( though, there's a saying about husbands...).
There's at least fifty other things I want to say about these two lead characters. But I won't, cuz that'd be wasting your time. And time, is precious.
THE STORY:
Are his ears beautiful too, Bella?
What would I call this story? Sh**. Utter sh**. And that's downsized. Yes, yes, people who like Twilight, I know it's a good story. To you guys. Let me tell you this:
It isn't a story.
It's just a lot of drama and romance, that no one can keep track of. Basically, the summary of the first half of the series is:
Bella: Oh, Edward, my beloved! I love you!
Edward: Oh no, my beloved, I cannot! I am a vampire, dangerous!
Bella: I do not care! My love for you knows no ends!
Edward: But there's this slight possibility that I might eat you!
Bella: No problem!
And I am completely serious. In the beginning, aside form the “OH LOOK YOU'RE A VAMPIRE! NO I'M NOT!”, it's basically Bella trying to convince Eddie that they should,like, totally get together.
In the remaining books, it's all the drama that comes from their relationship( calling it a relationship kinda hurts). For example, Bella wanting sex, and Eddie saying no( oh! Look! Seriously?)...Momentarily. ( Whipped pussy.) And then comes the disgusting part. Eddie and Bella have SEKSHUL INTERCOURSE, almost killing Bella ( Sweety, there was a reason why he didn't want to hook up with you. You really shouldn't get together with a man that can possibly kill you with every stroke ). And then they turn sweet Bela into a VAMPYYRES. NOOOOO.
Sorry. Overreaction.
And THEN WHUT MS.ZHOU?! Well, audience, then Bella the Vampire get's pregnant. Because that's what all little girls want. To get pregnant. Anyways, some..society.. of..Vampires...Like, the committee watch or something, called the Volturis start hunting Bella the Awesome. They think the little alien of Bella the Beautiful is a immortal child ( uhm, from the wiki, I suppose they're children. Turned into immortals?). I guess it's dangerous to have beautiful undead/unlive/unalive babies ( it's just because they're uncontrollable, and very easy to fall in love with. God.). Or something. Anyways, it's not, but they don't know that. So they lead a “dangerous” and “evil” and “bloodthirsty” race to kill it or something. However, since Bella is a very scared pussy cat, she hides behind people. And said people are hurt! And they almost literally have the vampire neighborhood watch committee over tea. Are these people British? Anyways, they explain that no, the baby is not a festering ball of doom. In the vampiric way.
Did I mention Bella The Great guzzles blood to feed the infant? Yeah. She does.
By the way, let's talk about the child. It was born through great pains that I don't know but from the many screams i've heard of, are very great. Like this story's suckiness. Anyways, the child is named Renesmee Carlie Cullen. And is imprinted by Jacob( did I mention him? He's a werewolf. Often takes off his shirt. And Imprinting is, I guess, like a dog pissing on a pole. It's his territory now.). More pedophilia. And more bestiality. My. Anyways, she was spotted by a girl when Bella The Feared and Jacob took her with them to hunt. So, basically, she's the reason for the introduction of the Vampires Neighborhood Committee watch.
Let's wrap this up.
WRITING:
The style itself is inane. SMeyer's style is more suited for poetry; the words are pretty and flowery. There is about at least 50 mentions about Eddie's handsomeness. She sues words that don't go with the other words, like throwing a wrench among hammers. “She was very afraid of the consequential effects.” It's like she' pulling a thesaurus every other sentence. Meyer really took the idea of not repeating words too far.
Obviously, in this series, SMeyer is concentrating too much on the fact of "forbidden love", even after the lovesick couple gets together. It gets old after a while, guys. Try focusing on the accepting issues or the anomalies or SOMETHING. Try to think outside of your wet dream, Ms.Meyer. Seriously.
OVERALL:
I hate this. Give me a knife, I will find a way to get the intestines of a book. Give me a chainsaw, it won't be existing. Give me a book of matches and a gallon of oil, I will be a HAPPY woman with a bunch of ash.
First, the story is hard to like for adult readers. It's a fairytale, audience. Second, the characters are hard to accept; sparkling vampires, flashing werewolves, half vampire ESP children, and a pretty vampiric/human woman. No. Third, this story is basically based on more than the romance, than the characters. They tell us all about their love, but not how the characters actually develop or how it effects them.
Overall, Yin's rating for this is... **/*****.
At least. It's a good read for children, story wise, but really, it's not a good read for people who like deep and very engaging stories.
Sorry, i'm doing this first post with about nothing in my head. I'll try harder next time. Or something.
See ya next week!
Over and out ( no, I did NOT just say that,)
Yin Z.
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