Alex's Amazing Movie Reviews: The Powerpuff Girls Movie

Oh yes, I am back!

And today, I want to do something actually, that I've loved since my childhood.

The Powerpuff Girls!

Fighting crime... trying to save the world! Here they come just in time, the Powerpuff Girls!

It's a damn good show. Trust me, it is. It's even better than Invader ZIM in my opinion. Yes GIR fangirls, I said it. I think The Powerpuff Girls is better than Invader ZIM.

I think it should also state that I love the head animator of this show, Genndy Tartakovsky, too, along with creator Craig McCracken, as well. They definitely are two of my inspirations to keep moving on in life...

Okay, let's just get to the point.

The whole idea of the show is that one day, a man named Professor Utonium was in his lab with one intention in mind, to make the perfect little girl. But while mixing up the concoction, he bumped his hand into a bottle of Chemical X, which spilled into the concoction, creating the Powerpuff Girls! They fight crime, and each have their own personalities.

Blossom is the leader, and smartest of the group.

The pink one.

 Buttercup is the toughest, she packs the most punch, and is also the rather big-mouthed tomboy of the group.

The green one.

And finally, Bubbles, the cutest, and by far most naive out of the three.

The light-blue one.

Together, they are... The Powerpuff Girls! Hooray!

I mean wow, this show was creative. Not only did it have an excuse for having Mary-Sue protagonists (who weren't actually that irritating, imagine that), but it also had pretty funny villains, my favorites being the very repetitive evil genius monkey Mojo Jojo, and Him, the very obvious transvestite demon.

But hey, the show was pretty popular, and you know what that means.

They made a movie!

Yes, they made a movie for it, and it's actually a prequel to the show.

I guess I need to explain the premise.

So, let's begin!

The whole thing is that Townsville is in deep trouble. So much so that the police have stopped trying to do anything about it. Of course, there is one man who wants to change it. And that man is... say it with me now kids...

PROFESSOR UTONIUM!

That's right. He has a vision. To create something that could change the city from its ways once and for all. And that something is... after a lab montage of a monkey destroying his lab and him trying to make that thing...

These cute little girls!

That's right! The Powerpuffs themselves. Now, Professor is shocked as fuck, obviously, but he recovers quickly when they ask for him to name them. He gladly accepts, and names them each.

Blossom for being straight forward, Bubbles for being bubbly, and Buttercup because it also begins with a 'b'. Everyone except Buttercup are happy with their names.

Utonium just remembers! He has to get gifts! He rushes out the door to get them, speaking about the new rules of parenthood, and how his plan all along was to raise a child who could get the good into town!

That's...interesting.

Time for a montage everyone!

Make the house, make it pretty, ahhh, the girls!

But wait, before all that... who's THAT in the corner... that mutated... THING?

OH GOD WHAT IS IT- awwww, the girls are happy!

That's his monkey assistant, and he is NOT happy, as shown in the picture above. The screen cuts to black as he walks away angrily.

Now, time for the montage... it ends, house is made pretty, they make windows (girls using their eye beams and frying the Prof. in the process.

Naturally, the girls and the professor hit it off, and he decides that it's time for them to go to school, and conveniently, there's a kindergarten, Pokey Oaks, just down the street.

He decides to take them there.

And what do you know? They don't know what school is, but the friendly teacher of Pokey Oaks, Ms. Keane, explains it to them.

It's a place where kids come to learn! (this makes me want to both smile and cry)

Of course, the kids invite them in, and they all want to play and meet the three new students. The Professor however, is skeptical about this new place, and he is very worried about them.

I've always liked the PPG art for some reason. Especially in the movie. Genndy Tartakovsky rules all man, and I mean ALL!

So, they have a great time, of course.

HOWEVER!

All goes to hell when the Powerpuff Girls learn about Tag. That isn't exactly... good.

Ha...ha...ha...

Let me just say the tag sequence throughout the town is one of my favorite scenes in the movie. The animation is great. Snappy, quick, and insane. The colors feel smooth as well, they blend, and create the perfect modern utopia as the backdrop.

I just WANT to watch them wreck it, it's that perfect.

Anyway...

So, their game gets so out of hand, and of course, the Mayor gets involved, and not in a good way.

Isn't that the same Mayor who pulled a Big Lebowski on us?

He repeats the words, "Oh boy," Several times as he walks out of the City Hall, accompanied by his assistant, Ms. Bellum. She tells him that something must be done.

Meanwhile...

The girls are busy 'destroying' the city, and the Mayor is out for a pickle.

Yes. A fucking pickle.

-FACEPALM-

That's one of the dumb parts of the movie, honestly...

Anyway, the girls end up crashing into the pickle cart, so the poor Mayor doesn't get his pickle :(

Poor Mayor...

So the girls return home after a fade out of a destroyed Townsville, and the Professor is tired. So he tells the girls it is time for bed. They reluctantly end their game of tag, and Bubbles describes their day to the Professor.

I always liked the father-daughter thing the girls had with the Professor. It always made me smile.

However, The Professor gives them a lecture on keeping their powers to a minimum, as the people of Townsville may NOT like their powers. The girls comply, but reluctantly.

This part always made me fear for the worst. I was 6 GODDAMN YOU D;

So the Professor tells them to allow Townsville some time to accept their powers...

However...

Now who could that be...?

A shadow picks up a newspaper with the headline: "Freak Bug-Eyed Weirdo Girls Destroyed Everything". So looks like things aren't gonna be so great for our three little girls. Especially when they get to school... No one is pleased with them at all whatsoever.

Oh dear... Poor girls.

The girls go through their school day with disdain and with hurtful glances from the other kids. 

Meanwhile, the Professor is reading the newspaper with the story on it. And realizes that he might be arrested due to having them in his possession.

The Mayor is always fucking hilarious, no matter HOW dumb he is.

So the poor Professor gets arrested, leaving the girls alone at school, and of course, Blossom says that they have to walk home instead of fly because they were not allowed to use their powers. And of course, this leads to them getting lost in the destroyed city, and learning of the hatred of the citizens towards them.

I love how they make fun of global conspiracies. And annoying news anchors.

So the girls wander amongst the town, and decide that it couldn't be much worse, and just to add to this, it begins to rain, and Buttercup lets out a scream of anguish.

Blossom manages to find refuge in a back alley, but not before they get attacked by the very... interesting looking Gangreen Gang.

But luckily, a trash can lid hits them all in the head, and knocks them out.

The girls, grateful, chase after the mysterious hero, and eventually end up outside of a cardboard box, where he is hiding.

They tell him their names, and the creature says not to look at him, for he too, is a monster to behold.

This image for some reason always gets me. Eyes in a black background ALWAYS get to me.

Turns out his name is JoJo. ...Oh boy. Does that sound like a certain thing in the TV SHOW?

I won't spoil.

So the girls end up making friends with JoJo, after a very interesting monologue that is a huge metaphor to society's ways of looking at people. How special people are cast out...

Amazing for a kid's film. It's pretty damn DARK.

Yes, BELIEVE in the guy with the pink, evil eyes and sharp toothed smile. He's DEFINITELY trustworthy.

So naturally, JoJo has a plan to make the town a better place. And he needs their help to make it happen, obviously. 

You can imagine what comes next.

A MONTAGE to make 'the town a better place' machine. 

Right before the montage begins, he smiles the pedo smile. Real promising, girls.

So they end up thinking this whole thing is for the GOOD OF THE TOWN.

But come on, let's be honest. We wouldn't have a movie if that was true.

Right?

So the whole machine is a plan for JoJo, not for the girls. Not at all.

And obviously, to make this machine work, he needs Chemical X, which gave the girls their powers. Again, REAL promising.

So naturally they steal it away.

I guess I should stop here. The climax of the movie is quite good, honestly. It's dark, and JoJo is dressed just as we remember him, and has named himself ruler, as MOJO JOJO!

However, he has an army of talking apes (which he obtained from the local zoo) who ALL want to be ruler too. ALL OF THEM.

This results in disbelief, betrayal, acceptance, and regaining of trust from the Professor.

In the end, the girl's are fine, and accepted by the townspeople...

Now let me go on record and say that this movie is in fact, not bad.

It's theme is good.

Be yourself, and don't let others judge you. Don't fall to the "BE NORMAL" pressure.

Stay the way you are.

And of course, the PPGs back up this moral well, and in the end, we have a well animated, well put-together prequel to the original cartoon series.

So in the end, the voice acting is good (except for SOME VERY CHEESY lines from Mojo), and the overall atmosphere is, in my opinion, almost above the original series'.

Try this movie out.

You most likely won't regret it, especially if you're a PPG fan.

Thanks all, hope you enjoyed it.

Alex K.

Tune in next week (maybe) for a review of a shitty movie for once, and I won't be easy.

Sssssh! You'll wake the horrifying fangirl!

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA

AHAHAHAHAHAHAA

Ahem.

This.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Oh my lord, I can't stop laughing. This is hilarious. Just...

Okay. Calm.

Let's begin by introducing what this picture is.

The male with the gayest hairdo ever, Jhonen Vasuqez. Never heard of him? My goodness, you live in a sheltered world.

Ladies and gentlemen, i present to you: Gayest man in the world.

You may know Mr. Vasquez from such works as Invader Zim, Johnny the Homicidal Maniac, and much more which I don't know. Because I'm too scared to look it up.

 My god, it looks like Barney the Dinosaur's bastard love child! Just look at that purple!

And Kokiri.

No one knows who this girl is, but probably the self insert of the artist. Also, may i also inform you that Kokiri is not a Japanese name?

So let's look at this artist's comment, for a moment here. 

I haven't adding anything in a while so, I thought I should add something. I drew this a long time ago. And I coloured it with paint.

It's Jhonen Vasquez and my character Kokiri.
They are to be wed soon ^///^ They are so cute together

Jhonen(c)himself
Kokiri art and love(c) me!

So, wait, what? An... actual person. To be more specific, Jhonen Vasquez, is going to marry your screwed up original character?

By gods, just imagine the matrimony!

"Priest: Do you, Jhonen Vasquez, take Kokiri the OC, to be your wife?

JV: I do.

Priest: And do you, Kokiri the OC, take Jhonen Vasquez, to be your lawfully wedded husband?

OC:-computer noises-"

AND OH GOD IMAGINE THE HONEYMOON! JV would be HUMPING THE COMPUTER SCREEN! D:

Not to mention the fans. The fans would kill the creator of that OC... BLOODFEST!

NOW that i'm done talking about the wrongness in and of itself.. Let's talk about the art.

Yes, the art.

No, you may not leave.

Yes, you really have to listen to me talk about an area of expertise Alex should've taken over.

Yes, yes you are screwed.

Anyways.

Usually, when i look at art, i try and figure out what the artist was feeling. I'm trembling too much from fear and laughter to try it with this piece of diarrhea. Seriously, tell me you look at this and you think "masterpiece". I dare you. With a cross in my hand, i dare you.

That's right. You don't.

Not to mention, i love how the "artist" didn't even bother to try and erase the white areas surrounding her lines. Geeze, i just know what business she's going into. Anyways, i sure hope not i'm not the only one that notices the hand. The hand, dear god, the hand. It's too long, hands don't bend like that, and dear god help me if they do.

AND WHY ISN'T IT SHADED? Not that it'd help much but it'd be a bit nicer.

And their hair. Don't get me started on JV's. I'd either laugh too much. But ...-shudders- Kokiri's. First of all, that is not how you draw hair. Second of all, what's with the random lines at the top? If she's trying to show texture, she's sucking. I don't think hair goes in different ways like that. 

Mullets don't count.

Let's wrap this up, in a few short sentences.

I ahte this, it sucks, sucks so bad that it's making five dollar whores look skilled. It's also hilarious to me; seriously. Kokiri and Jhonen> Dream on, fangirl, dream on. Seriously, fangirls are what keep me and my buddies entertained. In the topic of art, it isn't that bad, but that depends on who you're asking. Alex would just say it sucks. A lot. In not so nice words. I say it's okay compared to some stuff, but it's certainly not a masterpiece. Look. At. Those. LINES. Overall, i'd give it...

***/*****.

Yah. Srsly.

CIAO ARRIVEDERCI BUONA SERA

Yin Z.

PS. This was indeed half-assed. 

Feel fre to find my address and hunt me down.

Ahem. ladies and gentlemen...

Me and Alex are sorry to say we'll have to postpone our first commentary post.. Cuz we all have finals week and projects to finish around this time. So, very sorry, cuz Alex's working her a$$ off finishing a remarkable flash and I'm...coloring printing stationary. Thanks, Pre-AP. You truly make me feel.. smart.

Anyways, our planned commentary will come next week, i suppose. Any suggestions, people who don't read our blogs? What? Did you say something? Sorry, must be the wind...

Sorry D: But we'll try harder. This is doing miracles to our invisible reputation. XD

Anyways, with regrets,
Yin Z.

Oh no! Look out! It's a wannabe!

I give all credit of art to it's rightful owner, Chibi-Kisame

I, in no way, own these works( why would i want to?).

(May i mention, briefly, that i was told to do this by Alex? I asked for it, but..You're cruel, Alex. A cruel woman. One of the worse; you just had to. Oh well, at least not the worst)

Hey kids! Wanna see some horrifying images! Feel like being scarred for life? Well this is the place for you! Because today's topic is gonna be the infamous artist on DeviantArt,  Chibi-kisame!

Not afraid yet? Well get ready for the scarring of your life!

You know, i've seen this scene in so much fanart, i think i just had a deja vu.

So let's discuss why i'm doing her works today. The reason is simple. She needs help, man, HELP. Like, in great need. Not even "dude-you-should-go-to-the-doctor-and-have-them-look-at-that-head-wound-cuz-that-gash-is-giving-birth-to-an alien", oh no, it's WORSE. What's bad about her art and generally her in general is just REFUSAL AND ABSOLUTE DENIAL in improving her attitude, her artwork, or her writing skills.

She needs to improve her art, her maturity levels, her stupidity, her willingness to cooperate with the, you know, sensible, people on the internet, and her characters, most of all.

So let's get started, cuz this one is gonna be a LONG one.

ART STYLE

 Robert!Hand me my glasses, I'm seeing double!

So let's take a look at her beloved art style, ladies and germs! Her art style is unique. And not in the good way, i mean. Seriously, just look at this:

Never mind the fact that someone took the time out of their precious lives to actually look it up.

So what's wrong with using a bit of Google(C) imaging? WHAT ISN'T WRONG WITH IT? YOU MEAN? Everyone knows what we're all fine with a bit of referencing. Like, oh, what a pretty picture of a grotesque alien eating my baby! I think i'll use it as my reference for my picture of a dragon eating a small rabbit! Yeah. Apparently, we're okay with that.

But to flat out just draw a picture and stick it to a random cropped image? There's a law against that kind of thing( in the land of art, anyways, First law is no plagiarism. We hunt you down with sharp carrots and drawing/writing utensils for that) .  

Next, let's address her lovely art style, the main point of this category.

!WARNING!

The picture linked is slightly rated M. Click at your own risk.

I Warned You

First, let's address Chibi Kisame's shading technique. The thing is, there IS no technique. Just a lot of using the "smudge" tool. And if you look carefully enough, she's just shading around where she thinks the shading will go. She obviously hasn't studied photographs to see where to shade. With her coloring and shading technique, it makes me lightheaded, seriously. It's like she forced onto me a pair of glasses that didn't fit and told me to look at all of her works.

Then the ANATOMY. The part that every artist fears. The thing that everyone has a problem with. Look at the man's back in the picture ─ notice anything at all? No, not that hand that's about to do something dirty, that i doubt the artist was thinking about. I meant that fact that the back is too damn thin. This guy is in his late twenties or so, so why is he so flipping thin? He's a ninja, too. So shouldn't he be well built and tall?

(Let's all ignore the fact that I've done two pedophilic relationships. Seriously, 150 to a 16 year old is worse, but a late 20's or 30's to a teen? No. Not in this society, babe.)

There's probably a bajillion more things, but i'm not really an art expert. Go to my aprtner for that.


HER MATURITY

AAAAH! IT'S CRITICISM! RUN AWAY, IT MUST BE IGNORED.

So. Her maturity level. I really shouldn't be talking about this, seeing as how I myself have the maturity level of a five year old with a big vocabulary, but Chibi-kisame needs to grow up. Srsly, dude.

She often replies back to actual, you know, constructive criticism by hiding it. Where is your logic in that?!


And you know those people, who always only throw this weak punch, but have at least ten people behind them to do things for them? Yeah, that's Chibi-kisame.

Evidence

I mean, yeah, it's okay to comfort people, but this person's coddling her like she's a child. She needs to fight her own battles, boys and girls.

HER STORY/DOUJIN

Hahaha, let's start this out with the fact that i hate it. I hate it, i hate it, i hate it.

Here's a link to her "doujin" or "story": 

Volume the First

Volume the Second

You should flip through a few pages before you read the rest of this critique.

So we have this character named Roraku Kuronawa ( oh, look, a random name that was thrown together with feeble knowledge of Japanese Romanji and Japanese sounding syllables. My Japanese elective teacher would be disgusted.). Who's apparently half-cat, half-human, and is one of the strongest ninjas EVAR in the Naruto(C) world, uhm, apparently makes it into Akatsuki( Red Dawn, if anybody wants to know what it means. Aka = red, Tsuki = Moon, but in this case, combined with Aka, means dawn, i suppose. I don't know. I'm not Japanese.). 

Profile of this spectacular character 

AHHHHHHHHHHH MARY SUE

 ( For the newer people out there, who don't know the dangers of the, well, internet, a mary sue( or gary stu) is a character that is basically perfect. Sometimes they're well disguised, sometimes.. not so much. Like this character.)

So, Chibi-Kisame makes Roraku and her TOTALLY AWESHUM BOYFRIEND ITACHI go through many perilous journeys... to end up like Twilight's ever famous couple, Bella and Eddy. No, I'm serious. This story, while it isn't basically going off romance, largely is.

I find it hard to like her portraying of the characters, or to even like them in general now. They're so out of character; she's trying to use them to make jokes, but it looks like she's trying to d**n hard.

The story constantly clashes with what's interesting, and makes Roraku too hard to relate to, which is something a lot of writers want to do. You may argue that she's not a writer, but what do you think the COMIC is? Anyways, like I was saying, Roraku's ahrd to relate with. She can master something incredible, like controlling lightning in a few minutes; I have to do constant work to remember a math formula. Chibi-kisame here is completely forgetting the laws of REALITY. You know, LOGIC? Happy little dandy thing that supports things like food, gravity, helping people. That kind of stuff.

Ladies and gentlemen, our Mary Sue; solving calculus problems within seconds, mastering wind elements in minutes. She's Einstein reincarnated.

And what's worse?( Yes, i know what you're thinking. 'It cannot possibly get worse!' Well, it can. suckers.) RORAKU IS A SELF INSERT.

It's squared off in red. It's mentioned. It's seen. What more do you need, a blue paw print in the shape of Blue's?

So what's a self insert anyways? Well, it's when the creator PUTS THEMSELVES INTO THE STORY AS ONE OF THE CHARACTERS. Most shameful thing to do, many self respected creators despise it. But seeing as how she isn't a self respecting one in our point of view, she does it.

Speaking of a self respected creator, not many would dare to write a crossover( where one universe collides with another ). But this girl does it continuously, in almost at least FIVE of her chronicles! FIVE! There's Avatar:The Last Airbender, Pokemon, Inuyasha, etc. ( PS, I disclaim all of the titles. They don't belong to me.)

The story itself is okay, i mean, she gives pretty sound explanations most of the time, and she could improve a bit on the character development, bu it's..okay.

WHAT I THINK SHE COULD DO TO IMPROVE.

Really, I think all of her problems stem from her refusal to improve. She ignores all criticism and critiques, no listening to others( which, by they way, makes her doomed, DOOOOMED to fail in the business world), calling them "harsh". When somebody basically sugarcoated their review to her so she actually spares them a look. Basically, she needs to just start smiling and listening, no matter how harsh the reviews are. The haters gonna hate, lady, gotta accept that.

OVERALL

I give this girl a rating of ***/*****

Because she sucked, but she had some resemblance to a plot.

(She's surprised we're all making her into a meme, too. What, didn't you expect it coming from all the comments you made to US? Seriously. She's a old joke, now, though. She expects a lot of the internet when she shouldn't. And vice versa when she should.)

( Ending on a good note...At least she didn't─ F**k. She did it. She made this old cliche.

THANK GOD, FINALLY,

Yin Zhou.

Sparkling Vampires are a No-No, kids!

You're Doing It Wrong:

YYZ

Today's topic will be: The Twilight Series

Smart people usually start running away at this point.

(Look at that apple. Being so..APPLE-Y)

Let's start this off: I do not like this series. If you like it, okay, but I don't. Don't try to “convince” me it's good; you can shove that where the sun ain't shining. I can't be convinced it's good. Why? A lot of reasons, so lets start.

Twilight. Ahh, vampires and maidens and affairs and forbidden fruits and werewolves. Oh my. Let's address my first and foremost problem with this series, shall we?

THE LEADING CHARACTERS

Aaah! Look! It's the faux Adam and Eve!

The characters are weak, they aren't very easy to relate to at all, and are very hard to like to me. For example, Isabella Maria “Bella” Swan. She's pretty, delicate, self esteem issues, smart ─ what isn't she? Is the question, ladies and gentlemen. She, and I am not kidding here, is the least lovable person.

She is vain, later in the series when they have turned her into a vampire. She seems to become more VAIN. And not to mention, dear God, her mind. She HAS no mind. She lets everyone makes the choices for her. She's a CHILD. Oh, riding on Eddie's back and sitting on his lap, what shows of maturity! Of course, you can say she's in “love”. What “love” are you talking about? She can act like that when they're just starting their relationship, and it may be CUTE to some of you guys, but it's not to the adult readers.

Not to mention, that girl has no mind of her own, and has a questionable set of goals for her life. To her, her life is a Disney cartoon. The prince charming will rescue her and then they have a happily ever after with various children, blag blag, blah. We've all seen it in this story. Edward saving her constantly. Edward turning her into a vampire. Edward impregnating her. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, you are reading a fairytale.

No, not this one.

She's a beast, not to mention. The books make it as if her life were some kind of opera, that she's like, in depression. But her life's sweet fluffy cotton candy straight from the unicorn. She's got two guys to choose between ─ OOOH NOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. SMeyer makes it look like she's going to DIE or something if she doesn't choose one of them, and by the way, has that lady ever heard of "If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return they will always be yours. And if they don't, they never were."? Seriously. I can see Eddie TRYING to let her go, but then Bella's got her claws on that guy once she has him.

And then there's Edward. The handsome, cold as ice, lovable as f**k, I-Don't-love-You-But-I-Do,Edward. What can I say about this guy? He leaves, he comes back. He leaves, he comes back. He's either leaving and having issues with himself constantly, like a teenaged girl without make up or protecting Bella. He's doting the girl like a friggin' father. In fact, isn't it pedophilia?! Now, I'm not saying he's bad entirely (sparkling vampires aside), but he isn't a GOOD CHARACTER. He's obviously not trying to help Bella grow up, to have her make better choices or get better goals. He also isn't breaking her little girl dreams. He also needs to learn how to say No to that woman, seriously ( though, there's a saying about husbands...).

There's at least fifty other things I want to say about these two lead characters. But I won't, cuz that'd be wasting your time. And time, is precious.

THE STORY:

Are his ears beautiful too, Bella?

What would I call this story? Sh**. Utter sh**. And that's downsized. Yes, yes, people who like Twilight, I know it's a good story. To you guys. Let me tell you this:

It isn't a story.

It's just a lot of drama and romance, that no one can keep track of. Basically, the summary of the first half of the series is:

Bella: Oh, Edward, my beloved! I love you!

Edward: Oh no, my beloved, I cannot! I am a vampire, dangerous!

Bella: I do not care! My love for you knows no ends!

Edward: But there's this slight possibility that I might eat you!

Bella: No problem!

And I am completely serious. In the beginning, aside form the “OH LOOK YOU'RE A VAMPIRE! NO I'M NOT!”, it's basically Bella trying to convince Eddie that they should,like, totally get together.

In the remaining books, it's all the drama that comes from their relationship( calling it a relationship kinda hurts). For example, Bella wanting sex, and Eddie saying no( oh! Look! Seriously?)...Momentarily. ( Whipped pussy.) And then comes the disgusting part. Eddie and Bella have SEKSHUL INTERCOURSE, almost killing Bella ( Sweety, there was a reason why he didn't want to hook up with you. You really shouldn't get together with a man that can possibly kill you with every stroke ). And then they turn sweet Bela into a VAMPYYRES. NOOOOO.

Sorry. Overreaction.

And THEN WHUT MS.ZHOU?! Well, audience, then Bella the Vampire get's pregnant. Because that's what all little girls want. To get pregnant. Anyways, some..society.. of..Vampires...Like, the committee watch or something, called the Volturis start hunting Bella the Awesome. They think the little alien of Bella the Beautiful is a immortal child ( uhm, from the wiki, I suppose they're children. Turned into immortals?). I guess it's dangerous to have beautiful undead/unlive/unalive babies ( it's just because they're uncontrollable, and very easy to fall in love with. God.). Or something. Anyways, it's not, but they don't know that. So they lead a “dangerous” and “evil” and “bloodthirsty” race to kill it or something. However, since Bella is a very scared pussy cat, she hides behind people. And said people are hurt! And they almost literally have the vampire neighborhood watch committee over tea. Are these people British? Anyways, they explain that no, the baby is not a festering ball of doom. In the vampiric way.

Did I mention Bella The Great guzzles blood to feed the infant? Yeah. She does.

By the way, let's talk about the child. It was born through great pains that I don't know but from the many screams i've heard of, are very great. Like this story's suckiness. Anyways, the child is named Renesmee Carlie Cullen. And is imprinted by Jacob( did I mention him? He's a werewolf. Often takes off his shirt. And Imprinting is, I guess, like a dog pissing on a pole. It's his territory now.). More pedophilia. And more bestiality. My. Anyways, she was spotted by a girl when Bella The Feared and Jacob took her with them to hunt. So, basically, she's the reason for the introduction of the Vampires Neighborhood Committee watch.

(I'd love to show you a picture, but I'm afraid you'd be so entranced by the supposed immortal child that you'd fall to her every whim.)

Let's wrap this up.

WRITING:

The style itself is inane. SMeyer's style is more suited for poetry; the words are pretty and flowery. There is about at least 50 mentions about Eddie's handsomeness. She sues words that don't go with the other words, like throwing a wrench among hammers. “She was very afraid of the consequential effects.” It's like she' pulling a thesaurus every other sentence. Meyer really took the idea of not repeating words too far.

Obviously, in this series, SMeyer is concentrating too much on the fact of "forbidden love", even after the lovesick couple gets together. It gets old after a while, guys. Try focusing on the accepting issues or the anomalies or SOMETHING. Try to think outside of your wet dream, Ms.Meyer. Seriously.

OVERALL:

I hate this. Give me a knife, I will find a way to get the intestines of a book. Give me a chainsaw, it won't be existing. Give me a book of matches and a gallon of oil, I will be a HAPPY woman with a bunch of ash.

First, the story is hard to like for adult readers. It's a fairytale, audience. Second, the characters are hard to accept; sparkling vampires, flashing werewolves, half vampire ESP children, and a pretty vampiric/human woman. No. Third, this story is basically based on more than the romance, than the characters. They tell us all about their love, but not how the characters actually develop or how it effects them.

Overall, Yin's rating for this is... **/*****.

At least. It's a good read for children, story wise, but really, it's not a good read for people who like deep and very engaging stories.

Sorry, i'm doing this first post with about nothing in my head. I'll try harder next time. Or something.

See ya next week!

Over and out ( no, I did NOT just say that,)

Yin Z.

Alex's Amazing Movie Reviews: The Secret Of Kells

Well, isn't this nice. It's my first blog post.
Me and one of my best friends, Yin, will be posting things here regularly (...by that I mean 3 times a week, roughly).

Well, let's see here.

What shall I begin with?

Oh, I know, how about that movie that not many people know about? You know, that one movie by that one Irish animation company by that one animation director?

You don't... know do you. Well, no worries, I'll fill you in.

The most iconic picture from Cartoon Saloon's almost masterpiece of a film.

Cartoon Saloon is the animation studio behind the 2009 Irish animated feature "The Secret of Kells", directed by Tomm Moore.  First of all, these guys DEFINITELY know what they are doing artistically. Want proof? Well, here it is:

Why, is that a... hand drawn background for once? I think I'm in love!
The characters pictured here are Brendan and Aisling. Hopefully you know who's who.

Just take a look at that stunning art. This is where the movie excels. The characters are not as bland or uninteresting as you may think. For instance, Aisling, the protector of the forest just outside of Kells, can be described as the protective, yet annoying 'little sister' of Brendan, the main male lead of this picture.

But that's not all.

Let's get to the point, yes?

The film begins with the... credits? Yes, the credits, however, we are accompanied with some quite beautiful music. Did I mention that the same guy who did the music for Henry Selick's "Coraline" did the music for THIS film?

Admitted, the background looks great. Music adds to the atmosphere too.

We get some whispered monologuing in the beginning after the opening credits, with... a truly difficult to describe voice. Like someone whispered into your ear the horrors and beauties of the world, like you were entering it for the first time. And guess who's narrating?

None other than Aisling (voiced by Christen Mooney) herself!

Wow, a little GIRL does her voice? Damn. I need to take acting classes...

Again, we get extraordinary visuals to accompany her monologue. Splendid indeed.

Her monologue cuts with the title card.

The logo is quite good. Typical Irish script. Or at least I THINK it is.

We cut to the village of Kells (which looks stunning by the way), when we are introduced to Brendan, the protaganist of the film, who is chasing a goose through the village, being encouraged by the other Brothers (or Illuminators of the village), that is until one does a stunning prat fall into a mud pit. Brendan, however, continues the chase, and ends up at the wall that his Uncle, the Abbot, is commissioned to be made to protect Kells from the Vikings attacks.

I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for those meddling Illuminators! (I'm sorry, that joke sucked.)

Wait... is one of the Illuminators... JAMAICAN? ...How does that work...?

O_o...

Whatever. It doesn't matter, I guess.

Brendan climbs the unfinished wall to chase the goose, when he crashes through some loose boards, which ultimately leads to the discovery of the forest outside the walls. He is intrigued, but he knows not to go there.

Who WOULDN'T want to go there?

He returns to the other Illuminators, and continues his chase with the goose. It succeeds, with the audience understanding the purpose. Its feathers. Used as writing materials. All right, we get our beginning.

However, all is not well when the man in scarlet, the Abbot, comes to them, and god DAMN is he a snooty asshole!

Just look at him. Just plotting.

Well, the whole idea is that this guy wants to build a wall to keep the Vikings out, and the Illuminators think he is absolutely obsessed, but Brendan comes to his defense, saying it's for a good purpose.

Now let me go on record to say that the voice acting could have been better. It's not as fantastic as well, Aisling's voice is. Then again, I pictured a slightly lower voice for her... Oh well. Moore's choice.

Continuing with the movie...

Brendan returns with the Illuminators to the place where the books are made. It is pretty obvious he studies from them. They tell him about the best Illuminator of them all, Brother Aidan of Iona.

OVERDRAMATIZATION!

And what a coincidence! HE SHOWS UP IN KELLS TO STAY! ...Wait. What?
No guys. That's... a bit much. I don't think so. That's too fast. No NO NO!
Well, okay. I guess it HAS to be quick. Right? It can't be like fucking Inception can it?

Well, he has a cat. His name is Pangur Ban. Like that poem. Wow, total irony.

Dude. Snooty cat, 10 o'clock.

How cute, he hates Brendan at first, and of course, Brendan gets the job from Aidan to feed him, and of course PANGUR deserves BETTER. He runs away, and Brendan ends up eavesdropping on Aidan and Abbot's conversation about the wall around Kells. That doesn't go too well.

Haters gonna hate, huh Abbot?

The Vikings are clearly going to destroy the wall, according to Aidan, but of course the ABBOT doesn't LISTEN!

Moving on...

Probably the bit I really wanna talk about it Brendan's meeting with Aisling, which is by far the best part in the film.

After discovering the Book Of Iona, Brother Aidan gives Brendan a task: find these little green berries that can make ink. Of course, that means Brendan must leave the walls of Kells, and go into the forest which intrigued him earlier. He ponders about this, but eventually decides he'll do it. And he brings along Pangur Ban, who has grown fond of Brendan... for some reason. I mean it's not explained, he just DOES.

So, Brendan ventures into the magical forest the next day, and quickly discovers he is being watched, but by what? Well, it's just two green eyes at first, but WHO DO THEY BELONG TO? THE MYSTERY!!!

Well, that gets answered withen the next few minutes, that is, when Brendan stumbles into a misty clearing, with weird...black wolves out to get him. Oh no, is he going to die? Psh, of course not, 'cause he's saved by a white wolf, who says the following line:

Is this your cat?

That should be the tagline of the movie. With this picture. Seriously.

Anyway, Brendan is clearly freaked out. He falls to the ground and they get into a conversation, with Aisling asking what he's doing in her forest. Did he come to get food for his family? Which Brendan answers with, No, that he has no family. Aisling stops in her tracks, clearly shocked by this, realizing that they have a similarity with one another. THEY ARE BOTH ALONE.

That leads to her sympathizing with him, and allowing him to come through her forest.

No, you can't know my name yet.

Naturally, this is the high point of the movie, besides the climax. Aisling is just so cute.

But the climax is just...fucking WEIRD.

The Vikings are these huge beast like things, but then again they WERE like that, just complete animals. So I have no complaints, besides they do something bad to Kells. I won't say, though, watch it for yourself.

Well, I won't continue my summary, mainly 'cause this is taking too long. Just see the damn thing, trust me, it's very worth it.

Despite some flops with voice acting, and an okay and rushed story, it is visually pleasing to the eye, as it was the characters were animated in Flash, and the backgrounds done traditionally (with watercolor, probably).

Definately give this baby a try, it deserves it, especially because it was ACADEMY AWARD NOMINATED! But it didn't win. Pixar's "Up" did. I guess that deserved it though.

See, Kells could've won, if only they had polished the story just a BIT more. God, they were so close, so very close.

Well, that's that for now.

Thank you all for wasting your time with my post!

Come back for more.

So long all,
Alex K.